Solo Travel and the L-Word

Getting real about making friends in a language everyone can understand

The “L Word” is a ubiquitous topic among digital nomads, lifestyle entrepreneurs, and other remote workers who embrace the concept of combining career and travel. It doesn’t matter where you are from, what language you speak, or how long you spend in a particular place. If you are a stranger in a strange land, the “L Word” hangs over your head like the perpetual clouds of an Irish Spring (and Summer, and Fall, and Winter).

Just so you know, the word I am referring to is not “love”. This is not an essay about pining for Under the Tuscan Sun-style romances or reenacting a Terry McMillan novel on a beach in the Caribbean. Those of us who travel solo know while those stories do exist, finding love, especially abroad, is a complicated and often fleeting exercise fueled by questionable Tindr recommendations and creepy WhatsApp messages. It’s even more intimidating for people like myself who are terrifyingly close to the target market for OurTime.com.

The word I am speaking of is loneliness, a concept that is the topic of conversation among anyone who travels and works, often at the cost of their own social life. While being a “rootless” traveler sounds great in theory, letting go of ties that bind is not as easy in practice. Even those who disdain social media will find themselves scrolling through Tik Tok, Instagram, and (God forbid) Facebook in a desperate attempt to connect to a community. Often it’s just to check in on a familiar face back home. Less often, we hit the jackpot and find someone nearby willing to sit down and have a cup of coffee.

Then there’s the occasion where you spend three weeks in a row alone and you get a WhatsApp message from “Adam2354”, who stole your phone number from a Meetup group two cities ago, and wants to “holla at a cool bar with good vibes and women”.

Hey Adam, or do you prefer Mr. 2354? Maybe consider pressing pause on in-person human interaction, but points for effort. Hope you have money.

In these vulnerable and depressing moments, the urge to express your frustration is at its highest. With few people to actually talk to, often the only available alternative is to get back on social media and write a long-winded post to Internetville begging for help. These posts often fall into one of five categories of generically desperate public pleas. I suspect many of these may sound familiar:

The “is everyone taking crazy pills but me” post

Is it just me or is it completely impossible to make friends in XXX city of 4 million people with loads of entertainment and social gathering options? Why doesn’t anyone like me? I’m a normal human! That has to count for something!

The “I’m genuinely wanting to connect but I also think I can magically sell things to strangers on Facebook” post

Hi everyone! Here is a selfie of me that I took 17 times and edited for 3 hours because I have no idea how to get someone’s attention in a city where I can’t speak the language. Who wants to grab a cup of coffee? I’ll show you how to lose weight, stop drinking and earn millions in Bitcoin. DM me.

The “completely unreasonable request” post

Hi everyone! I’m moving to xxx city with $5, 6 cats and no legal justification to be there. I’m really looking forward to finding nice roommates, getting a killer career with zero connections, and paying rent in dried-up Twizzlers. You can leave your address in the comment section below and let me know if towels are included.

And of course my personal favorite…the oversharing post, also known as the “I don’t normally do this but now I said too much so yes, I actually do this” post.

I don’t normally do this, but I’m really depressed and have been crying in my bathroom for the past six hours. My family and I are no longer talking, my meds ran out, and I’m pretty sure I’m broke after my last coffee meeting led me to invest in a Bitcoin ponzi scheme. Anyone want to grab a drink?

Again, points for effort. May I introduce you to my friend Adam2354?

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received in my solo travel journey was from my friend Manuel. He sat me down one day in Barcelona after I bombarded him with my own tales of woe and explained something very clearly to me.

As a solo traveler and remote worker, I am an anomaly, living as a guest in places that do not belong to me. The number of people who can relate to me is small, and they are scattered all over the world. While it is still possible to find a connection to others, being lonely is part of the deal. If I can’t learn to handle that, this life is not for me.

As harsh as that may sound (and it wasn’t really, Manuel has this strange ability to give it to you straight and still be supportive) he was exactly right.

The one muscle I wasn’t “flexing” during my travels was the ability to enjoy my own company. And when I say enjoy, I mean without the incessant need to sit alone and doom scroll through social media accounts and long neglected online dating profiles (oh look! there’s Adam2354!). None of these activities will combat loneliness. First you must accept what you really want and decide if traveling the world is worth the pain of spending some quality time with yourself. A LOT of time.

Since then, I have expanded upon Manuel’s advice and discovered my own balance of work, travel, and social activities. I still strive to see the world, but at a pace I can handle. Most importantly, I still have a place to call home. It’s not a perfect solution, but it has worked for me for four years so I share it freely with anyone who asks. And ask they still do. I can’t tell you how many times I encounter “why am I so lonely” questions over coffee meetings, zoom meetings, and of course, social media.

In an effort to share my answers as efficiently as possible, and exact a little revenge for being forced to read the same whiney online posts over and over again (I don’t even pretend to have Manuel’s people skills), I thought I would provide some words of wisdom in a format my audience can easily understand: the generically desperate social media post.

Lesson One — Figure out your priorities

The “Is it just me or is everyone taking crazy pills” post

Am I the only person ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET who realizes spending time alone is an acceptable consequence of seeing the world? There are so few people out there who have the time, resources and courage to work and travel solo. That opportunity comes at a cost. If you can’t possibly survive without a gaggle of friends by your side, save yourself some heartache, spend all your money on a group travel package and spend two weeks hanging out and sharing the experience with others. Travel is not cheap and it’s a lot more expensive if you must have someone to talk to all the time.

LESSON TWO — Don’t assume you will be able to communicate

The “I’m genuinely wanting to connect but I also think I can magically sell things to strangers on Facebook” post

Hi everyone in social media land. I’m interested in finding travelers who are willing to invest money, energy and a lot of time learning the language of the place where they live. No, you will not just “pick up the language” if you move somewhere. No, your brain did not lose the ability to grasp a different language after a certain age. Suck it up, and if you will be somewhere more than a couple months, delete your Duolingo account and sign up for real foreign language classes. If you want to make friends abroad, put in the effort to meet them halfway. You’ll be surprised how many people will be willing to help.

LESSON THREE — Understand how long it really takes to craft true friendships

The “completely unreasonable request” post

Hey all you future van lifers, English teachers, and corporate refuges fantasizing about quitting your jobs, traveling from place to place every month, and making fabulous friends all over the world. Please rip out that entry in your dream journal, put away your vision boards, and hear me out.

In the marketing world, conventional wisdom says it takes anywhere from 7–10 touches to convince someone to buy something. And just so you know, 10 annoying emails “just checking in” do not count if no one is looking at them. (I’m talking to you, every sales coach ever). Creating a relationship, even a transactional one, takes time. Think about the last time you moved anywhere new? How long did it take you to find true friends that you stay in touch with to this day? I would venture to say a while.

If you are traveling alone you simply do not have this time unless you make some serious adjustments. Instead of moving from place to place every month, consider sticking around for a while. If the point is to experience the world, why not give yourself some time to do so? Many countries give you 90 days to visit without a specific work or study visa. You can stay even longer if you invest in an academic program or a visa that will allow you to work abroad. You don’t have to be on the road every few weeks, and if you are working remotely, this plan isn’t sustainable financially or professionally. Slow down and manage your expectations. You’ll never make friends if you run out of money and start paying for things in dried Twizzlers.

LESSON FOUR — Be grateful for every person and every moment that matters

The “I don’t normally do this but now I said too much so yes, I actually do this” post.

I don’t normally do this, but I’m going to set aside my generally snarky attitude because I am a solo traveler and I know how hard this is. I too have had those moments where I was so scared of being alone forever, I wondered if it was all worth it. Unfortunately, there is no magical answer to resolving loneliness when you are on the road, or anywhere else for that matter. Like anything worthwhile in life, you have to work at it to get results.

I count myself lucky that in 4 years of traveling I have found a handful of friends that have stayed in touch and always have a place in my heart (looking at you Elena and Victoria). Most of the others have moved on, including my personal Travel Yoda, Manuel. However, the kindness all these individuals demonstrated when I was at my loneliest is no less important to me. You have to hold onto those rare moments when magic happens, even if it is only for one cup of coffee.

It takes time to develop friends and it always helps to have a strong support system to back you up. I am very lucky to have parents who never discouraged my adventurous tendencies. I’m also lucky to have hometown friends who have determined I am an insane idiot, but still check on me to make sure I’m not lost at sea or down to my last dried up Twizzler.

And just so we can end this diatribe with a happy ending (come on, you know you want one), even my snarky self managed to find the other “L word” with a supportive (and I’ll go ahead and say it, dead sexy) partner. No, he does not normally travel with me and yes, he is an incredibly patient person. I won’t lie. It’s nice to be a little less lonely these days, but most importantly, it’s nice to know someone accepts and encourages me to be who I am. He reminds me everyday, no matter where I am in the world, I am someone’s partner, daughter, sister, and friend.

So to all my fellow crazies out there who dare to explore, and the rest of you just hoping to make a new friend after a rough couple of years…I’m rooting for you. It may take a while to Eat Pray Love, but neither one of us is Julia Roberts so calm down and appreciate the people who bring joy to your life.

Rant over.